two friends in two years.

One year ago tonight- I rocked my baby boy to sleep in his room with tears streaming down my cheeks as I missed and grieved for a special friend that I longed to talk to that I had lost to suicide. Tonight my children are laughing an playing in their new playroom upstairs and my life has changed so much but something is the same. I am tearful and mournful over another friend that chose to end her life far too soon. You know... I have never felt more helpless over any situation than of these. I love to (as I am sure you can already tell) aggressively address problems and snuff out trouble before it is too far gone. I have learned that honesty, a lot of love, and certainly empathy can heal most wounds before they are too deep. But, I am so sad to say that as "in tune" as I am to people that I missed the mark with these two dear friends of mine. One I had known since the moment of my birth and the second that I had only known a couple years. Tonight I am remembering them both. I wonder what we could have done together in the future. I wonder if anything in this life could be so insurmountable that  death was the only answer. I pray tonight that God will use me while I am on this journey of finding "me" to become the most empathetic, kind, genuine, best friend that I can ever become. I love people so much. Lord, please make in me a friend that no one is ever afraid to call no matter the hour, no matter the hardship. Make me an open book to others so they see my faults and feel comfortable discussing their own with me. Help me never to be so busy that I miss the hurting in others around me.
In closing- if I had one more moment with you:
My Barbara, how much I love you. How much I want to inspire children as you did. How much I want to serve others, as you did. I hope to see your smiling face when I receive my heavenly promotion. I think of you ever time I clean Logan's room and fold those burp cloths that you made for my babies. They would really make you proud! They are full of life and so so so much fun! I miss you.
Margie, oh what trouble this world held in it for you my friend. I wish that I had called the many times I started to. I wish that I had swallowed my pride and loved you the way that Christ intended me to. My children take the folders and papers that you brought to them everywhere we go. I haven't told them that you are gone yet. I think about you everyday. I miss our fun talks and your laugh. I wish that I could have made your pain more bearable. I know that it isn't my fault but I owed you more than you know. You were more of a friend to me than I was in return. I miss you.