Holy $#%*

Okay- so normally I would not just jump into all of this with the general population, but for some reason it doesn't bother me to blog about it?? I know that is ridiculous. Anyway, so I got pregnant right- that in and of itself is a miracle for me. I have been told most of my life that it was not even a possibility. You can imagine my shock when that test, well four tests were positive. I was actually testing so that I could start some new medications that would keep me from having all these ovarian cysts rupturing. Well, as I said I was totally shocked. For the first day I was pretty unsure of how I felt about it. Then after that I was so excited that I can't even put into words the way I was feeling. I was remembering all this stuff I learned in school about what was going on right that second inside of me. I knew that in only two weeks that baby would have a heart beat and arms and legs.... tiny ones but they would still be there. Well, unfortunately that joy didn't last too long. Memorial day I was sleeping all day so I could go to work that night and woke up cramping like crazy. I was so scared because I knew exactly what was going on. Well, it got worse. As a matter of fact before it was all over I think that my doctors along with myself questioned if I was gonna live through it or not. I was most certain that I was dying. But after emergency surgery and units of blood and lots of morphine etc. I have survived. But, I guess it is already apparent that my baby did not. What really happened was that I had a giant cyst rupture in my ovary and it burst with such force that it spun it around and made my tube twist around itself. That is where the pain and the bleeding were coming from. My baby made it through the surgery but I lost it in the days after that. You know, now I just wonder what will happen in the future if I become pregnant again. I mean am I gonna have to live through one miscarriage right after the other. I don't know. But I am glad to be home from the hospital and thinking of future possibilities. My sutures and staples are out as of yesterday, and we have been cleared to try again if we want. I don't know- I don't feel like I ever know.