How I know-

Still thinking about all this tragedy tonight. I continue to read so many posts, tweets, etc from people desperate to state their opinions as to how this verifiess that a caring and loving God could not exist. I have had so many moments in my life where I have questioned His existence myself. I want to be transparent and real here. I was raised to never question but instead to have faith. Faith- the hope and belief in the unseen. I attended church throughout my life and checked all the boxes of religion. I participated in worship but felt empty and devoid of all the love, grace, and mercy that I kept expecting to somehow "kick in" with me. I prayed, and written journals of all my daily gratitudes, I felt empty and lost. I kept a mental checklist of my shortcomings and felt that these were the reasons that I didn't "feel" His presence more in my life. I noted carefully all my sins and confessed most of them on a daily basis. I publicly repented at church if I had a public sin I felt others were aware of. I felt condemned and unworthy of His love. I watched others around me. I didn't see the outward expressions that should be a part of an inward change because of their walk with God. I felt frustrated and alone. I felt confused and isolated. I have small children that I wanted to raise in the church. I wanted them to grow in Christ and lead a blessed life. I knew that I had to figure this out. I certainly didn't want to jeopardize their salvation or my own. I was exhausted. Then something happened. I read Matthew 7 again for the millionth time and I saw something different. I felt something different. Seek Me and you will find Me. Had I been seeking him like I thought. No. I wasn't searching. I wasn't looking for Him. I was stagnant expecting this God of mine to drop down upon me. I looked up Seek in the dictionary. Seek-to try and locate or discover, to go to or toward, to inquire, to request, to endeavor to obtain or reach. I thought long and hard about this simple scripture that many days I had hurried through because I knew it so well. I completed it in my mind from memory but I had lost its significance. I felt that it screamed to me, "Move Bonnie, Move!" this is a verse of action. Seek him. Find him. Was he where I was. No. So I began a long journey to find this God. To know him for the first time truly in my life. This is still a work in progress. But, have I found him? Yes. Do I know him better now than yesterday? Yes. Am I done? No.

How do I know?
I was lost and now I am found. I was condemned and now redeemed. I was stagnant and now I am growing. I was lonely and he became my solace. I was broken and now I am being made whole. Now that I am living in him I pray and he answers. I bring things to him and he gives me rest. I was full of doubt and now I have found my faith. I once was empty and he fills my cup. I am being restored. Now I get the verses of his love, of his mercy, of his grace, and forgiveness. I have learned things about the security of my salvation that have given each day in my life a feeling of freshness and a deep understanding that his mercy is new every morning. I threw that mental checklist out the window! Because I have found a relationship with my Father.

Things have really changed for me. I had to make hard choices. I had to follow the calling I felt in my life to move me in a new direction. I am so glad that I did. As hard as it seems it really isn't hard when I take a step back and see his great provision and love at work in my life. I have formed new relationships with people in my life that I know will last a lifetime to replace broken, dysfunctional ones. I feel like I am mothering in a better way and from a better place.

This is how I know. Because I sought him when I was lost and I found him.